compliments...
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Posted:Mar 19, 2014 7:15 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 6:2 am
3448 Views
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A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".
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Tips for recovering from a night on the lash...
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Posted:Nov 2, 2010 12:05 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2014 3:53 am
3589 Views
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Recover from a night on the lash
You can try MY method..... A great fry and 2 large coffees........ or for the lightweights among you...the following my be better!
LIGHTWEIGHTS READ HERE:
The secret to tackling hangovers is to neutralise the twin evils of dehydration and the alcohol's toxicity.
"The more you drink the higher the load on the liver and there comes a point when it can't cope, leaving you with toxic alcohol by-products circulating in the blood stream," says Ian Marber, author of The Food Doctor: Healing Foods for Mind and Body.
Conveniently, you can deal with both enemies by downing plenty of orange juice. "Research has found that taking vitamin C after drinking can help prevent liver damage due to its powerful antioxidant action," says Marber.
Sadly, though, following this up with a Full English won't help. "Alcohol is high in calories and can cause a big spike in blood sugar which is followed by a plummet which is why people often crave sugary or fatty foods the next day," he explains.
Feeding this craving with empty calories won't do any good - you need wholesome grub like oily fish and veg or for the ultimate hangover food try a poached egg on asparagus - eggs contain sulphur (which helps with liver function) whilst asparagus contains antioxidants that protect the liver cells and help break down alcohol. Tastes good too.
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Cop joke lines....
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Posted:Nov 1, 2010 10:13 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 6:2 am
3597 Views
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The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
The envelope please.....................
AND THE WINNER IS ...
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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Marriage...............a second husbands thoughts.....
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Posted:Nov 1, 2010 10:09 am
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2013 7:13 am
3558 Views
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When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away. The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again. Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?" bellowed the man again and again. Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?" "No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."
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A mans life.......
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Posted:Nov 1, 2010 10:07 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 6:2 am
3548 Views
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God created the donkey & said to him: “You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish. God created the and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “The answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one or to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
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Super sizin......... funny lyrics.
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Posted:Oct 27, 2010 3:13 pm
Last Updated:Mar 19, 2014 3:53 am
3637 Views
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Baby Back (Rodney carrington)
Darling when we met You were a pretty little thing But your body started changing When I gave you that ring
You’re supersizing, no exercising Goodbye working out A double meat with cheese, another helping please Baby that’s what you’re all about
I pick you up in my pickup truck But you had to ride in the back I stopped off at the Sonic Burger You ate everything in my sack
Darling please, won’t you please think of me I’d love to have my baby back (baby back) My baby back (baby back) My baby back (baby back)
Six months have passed and you’ve gained 50 pounds And I confess you got a real big rack But the bad part is when I give you a hug You got a two more on your back
You’re supersizing, no exercising Goodbye working out A double meat with cheese, another helping please Baby that’s what you’re all about
I played football with the boys last night And you were all time quarterback But none of us could ever tackle you Cause you’re built like a lumberjack
Darling please, won’t you please think of me I’d love to have my baby back (baby back) Put down the ribs (baby back) My baby back (baby back) And baby come back to me yeah
Baby won’t you come on back
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Be careful what you wish for guys....
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Posted:Oct 24, 2010 4:46 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 6:2 am
3516 Views
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So.... there he is, in the bar, eyeing her up... shes a few years older than him, he guesses shes's about 51...52 looks pretty, still quite fit for her age god bless her...she is definitely attractive....
He wonders..would she go for a guy 15 years younger?...Should he try ...? he takes a quick belt from the glass before him..and fortified he ambles over and makes eye contact..she smiles..... its encouraging.....
He starts a little small talk...some funny lines and she is laughing..he buys her a drink... they chat animatedly and pretty soon theres little touches ..as points are made...and then she asks him the question he never thought to hear.
Would you like to come back to mine ? Maybe have a little Mum and fun? She asks , smiling very seductively..
The guy weighs it up.... her daughters gotta be pretty decent if she takes after mom... and worst case..mom is up to par!
"Hell yeah!" he responds "I'm game!"
She takes him home, opens the front door, the guy is just panting now, inflamed with lust and hormones and ready to take on all cummers!
He's already halfway to butt nekkid when he hears her coming to the bed room... And as she walks in.... she says the words that ruin his night..........
Mums just coming, it takes her a minute or two on that zimmer frame......
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Give a woman 3 wishes..............
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Posted:Oct 21, 2010 2:31 pm
Last Updated:Oct 21, 2010 2:48 pm
3502 Views
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A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers : Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.
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some questions have no answer............
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Posted:Oct 21, 2010 11:48 am
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 6:2 am
3557 Views
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Can you cry under water?
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'.. But it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
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What disease did cured ham actually have?
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
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Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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If a is Homeless..can his teacher give him Homework?
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What Starts with F and ends with K..........................
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Posted:Oct 19, 2010 5:30 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 6:2 am
3535 Views
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What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry
in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....
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NOTTTTTTTTTTT a lot of people know this.........
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Posted:Oct 19, 2010 5:25 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 6:2 am
3532 Views
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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart! creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.! )
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death! (Creepy) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
S ome lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (okay, so that would be a good thing)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too )
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
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For those that stampede where angels fear to tread.......
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Posted:Oct 19, 2010 5:23 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 6:2 am
3456 Views
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A Little Flab > >One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched >her on the butt and said, >"If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose". > >While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next >morning, the man woke his wife >with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed >these up, we could get rid of your bra." > >This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by >his "dangler." With a death grip in place, >she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the >gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
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Backhanded Compliment............
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Posted:Oct 19, 2010 5:21 pm
Last Updated:Mar 28, 2024 6:2 am
3483 Views
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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out? "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing."
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