EVEN MORE WISDOM
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Posted:Aug 31, 2008 5:49 am
Last Updated:Sep 5, 2008 5:40 am
4183 Views
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In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
-- Helen Rowland
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
-- Roseanne Barr
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
-- Molly McGee
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
-- Patrick Murray
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!
-- Richard Jeni
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'.
-- Sam Ewing
A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late.
-- Max Kauffmann
Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
-- Unknown
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henry Youngman
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
-- Benjamin Franklin
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.
-- Clint Eastwood
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
-- Clint Eastwood
A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.
-- Anonymous
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
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You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
- - Flip Wilson
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
-- Andy Rooney
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
-- Jeff Marder
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
-- Will Rogers
Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
-- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
-- Janet Coleman
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MORE WORDS FROM THE WISE
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Posted:Aug 31, 2008 5:46 am
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2008 4:10 am
4204 Views
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Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.
-- Benjamin Franklin
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
-- George Burns
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
-- Jimi Hendrix
A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
-- Unknown
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
-- Mae West
Example isn't another way to teach, it is the only way to teach.
-- Albert Einstein
Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.
-- Paul Miller
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
-- Madonna Dangerous Game (1993)
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
-- Jean Kerr
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
-- Mae West
I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.
-- Gwyneth Paltrow
This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
-- Judy Tenuta
If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have ...' - they leave skid marks.
Rita Rudner
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
-- Rita Rudner
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. 'Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?
-- Beverly Mickens
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equalling a hundred miles.
-- Roseanne Barr
It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
-- Laurence J Peter
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
-- Unknown
Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
-- Robert Orben
Where love is concerned, too much is not even enough.
-- Pierre De Beaumarchais
Love is the heart of the soul.
-- Robert Paul
Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
When love and skill work together, expect a masterpiece.
-- John Ruskin
A kiss: To a young girl, faith; to a married woman, hope; to an old maid, charity.
-- V.P.
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
-- Robert Frost
. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for
sex.
-- Bill Maher
When are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.
-- Henry Fielding (Tom Jones, 1749)
The trouble with is that they're not returnable.
-- Quentin Crisp
There are only two things a will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
-- Benjamin
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our .
-- Clarence Darrow
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another."
-- Unknown
Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? WhAt kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???'
Billy Connolly
If your parents never had , chances are you won't either.
-- Dick Cavett
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My father carries around the picture of the who came with his wallet.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
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PUTTING YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER
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Posted:Aug 31, 2008 5:35 am
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2008 4:10 am
4079 Views
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Putting your affairs in order.
A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her had been waiting. 'Well , we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached
by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to
her impending end. 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just
told your friends you were dying of AIDS.'
The woman said, 'I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.
'Now That's 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'
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FROG WISDOM
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Posted:Aug 31, 2008 5:25 am
Last Updated:Jan 22, 2009 12:30 am
4312 Views
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A bit of frog wisdom...
A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.
The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.
The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?"
The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.
This story teaches two lessons. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words...it is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. So from this day forward, think before you speak...
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BAD MEMORY ???
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Posted:Aug 31, 2008 5:23 am
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2008 4:12 am
4180 Views
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Sometimes these 'heartwarming' stories are a bit too sappy for me but this one is truly amazing...
In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised
in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago with his teenaged . As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage,
climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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IT'S NOT MY DICK
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Posted:Aug 31, 2008 5:19 am
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2008 4:14 am
4125 Views
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One of my neighbors was saying that his wife caught their 13 year-old boy downloading porn, and has since put restrictions on the computer.
"When she caught him," the father informed, "he said: 'Mom, I'm glad you caught me. I just can't control myself.'"
"Wow," I said. "What a relationship your boy has with his mother to open up to her like that."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"What do you mean, 'what do you mean?'" I replied. "What did you do with your pornographic magazines when you were thirteen? You hid them, right?"
"Yeah."
"From whom?" I asked.
"From everyone, I guess."
"That's right."
"Well, he was literally caught red-handed. What was he to do?"
"Deny. Deny. Deny," I said. "He should have said, 'Wasn't me. I don't know who went to this website. It was on here when I sat down. And by the way, Mom, this isn't my dick in my hand,
either."
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YOU THINK YOU'RE SMART
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Posted:Aug 31, 2008 5:12 am
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2008 4:14 am
4218 Views
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Try this out...
Read this sentence:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
Now count the F's in that sentence.
Count only once, don't go back a 2nd time.
Scroll down to see the answer...
*
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ANSWER: There are six F's in the sentence.
A person of average intelligence finds three of them.
If you spotted four, you're above average.
If you got five, you can turn your nose at most anybody.
If you caught six, you are a genius.
There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s.
The human brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.
Pretty weird, huh?
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FROM THE WISE..........
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Posted:Aug 29, 2008 4:18 am
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2008 5:00 am
5665 Views
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You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!
-- Drew Carey
Sex is a two-way treat.
-- Franklin P Jones
It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
-- Drew Carey
When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish.
-- Julio Iglesias
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
-- Dave Letterman
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
-- Steve Martin
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
-- Charles Pierce
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
-- Billy Crystal (City Slickers, 1991
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
-- Joan Rivers
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?
-- Bette Midler
Sex is like art. Most of it is pretty bad, and the good stuff is out of your price range.
-- Scott Roeben
What's the most popular pastime in America? Autoeroticism, hands down.
-- Scott Roeben
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
-- Sophia Loren
Sex is God's joke on human beings.
-- Bette Davis
I've been in more laps than a napkin.
-- Mae West
Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
-- John Barrymore
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My girlfriend always laughs during sex -- no matter what she's reading
.
Personally I know nothing about sex because I've always been married.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
-- George Burns
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news.
-- Bertolt Brecht
We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
-- Victor Borge
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
-- Will Rogers
He who laughs, lasts.
-- Mary Pettibone Poole
Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap ... but by the seeds you plant!
-- Robert Louis Stevenson
Write it on your heart that every day is the best day of the year.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.
Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
The best way to cheer yourself is to cheer somebody else up.
-- Mark Twain
The miracle is this - the more we share, the more we have.
-- Leonard Nimoy
Hope is the dream of the waking man.
-- Aristotle
Nature gave men two ends - one to sit on and one to think with. Ever since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most.
-- George R. Kirkpatrick
People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.
Andrew Carnegie
Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.
-- Winston Churchill
Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
-- Albert Einstein
The road to success is always under construction.
-- Unknown
Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
-- Will Rogers
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
-- Erica Jong
(How to Save Your Own Life, 1977
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave -- but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
-- Robert Orben
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I WANNA BE A BEAR
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Posted:Aug 29, 2008 3:55 am
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2008 5:03 am
3752 Views
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A pair of stage-door Johnnies are ogling the cuties who are leaving the dressing room. "Do you see that redhead over there? I feel like screwing her again."
"Wow," said his buddy, "Do you mean to tell me you've been doing it with that great looking broad?"
"No, I felt like it before, and I feel like it now."
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I wanna be a bear!
A Female Bear. If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wanna be a bear.
*****************
A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm... and collected.
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ENJOY IT ALL
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Posted:Aug 29, 2008 3:53 am
Last Updated:Jan 22, 2009 1:00 am
3815 Views
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A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old).
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old for the
last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.'
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.
He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good Life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The Six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.'
Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
Most of all, from me to you............
ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!
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THE LITTLE BLUE PILL
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Posted:Aug 19, 2008 5:31 am
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2008 5:04 am
4186 Views
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An elderly cowhand went to the local drug
store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue
Viagra pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The cowboy replied, "Just a few, maybe a half
dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.
That won't get you through sex."
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years
old, and I don't even think about sex much anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't
pee on my new boots.
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MAYBE..................
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Posted:Aug 19, 2008 5:27 am
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2008 5:05 am
5047 Views
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Maybe
Maybe... we are supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.
Maybe... when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the new one which opened for us.
Maybe... It is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.
Maybe... The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything they have.
Maybe... You should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.
Maybe... There are moments in life when you miss someone a parent, a spouse, a friend, a so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.
Maybe... The best kind of friend is one you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word...but when they walk away you feel as if it was the best conversation you've ever had.
Maybe... You should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.
Maybe... You should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.
Maybe Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.
Maybe.. You shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; Don't go for wealth; even that fades. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
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PASSING IT ON
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Posted:Aug 19, 2008 5:19 am
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2008 5:06 am
3813 Views
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When I am deeply pondering,
I often recollect
the many treasures I have found
in Friendship and Respect.
So many times from past mistakes,
I've learned how not to be.
I heeded words of wise advice
from those who helped me see
that Life is short, and all that counts
are Friends that we have made;
for Kindliness leaves memories
which Time can never fade.
For if we wait for "better days"
to act on good intention,
the Future soon will pass us by
without the slightest mention.
The Past is gone, the Future hid . . .
so while we live and strive,
If any person we can aid,
our memory will thrive.
I've found through long experience
that helping in this way,
will make this world a better place---
and others' woes allay.
If I pass on to those I meet
this wisdom I've been taught,
I know they'll have the best in Life
of that which can't be bought.
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