ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS/ author unknown
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Posted:Sep 13, 2020 7:31 pm
Last Updated:Sep 13, 2020 7:37 pm
3271 Views
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Just try to read this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovley wife a pocket Tazer for their Anniversary submitted this;
Last week I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the devise and brought it home....I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'de get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Ok, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently ( trusting little soul ) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie ( for a fraction of a second ) and then thought better of it. She was such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
A one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant.
a two second burst was suposed to cause muscle spasms and major loss of body control; and
a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little devise measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference ( loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) ; pretty cute really, and thinking to myself,'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I am sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt that bad...I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE...!!!
I am pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soak and wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meow sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits ( what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it was shot up with Noovocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was to numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I am still looking for my testicles, and I am offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experiance, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
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Things are getting back to normal//describe normal
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Posted:Jun 18, 2020 2:17 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2021 6:14 am
3733 Views
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I'm glad that all Mr. Jackwagons threats were just threats, The Coward!!
I have a date with a trout this weekend, and I'm going to catch it!I want to relax on the banks of the Rogue River, cast my line and let it soak my blues away. I find it as relaxing as I can stand, any more relaxed, and I might let the fresh air cover me and get naked.lol
I also want to thank all you good people who gave me support on the mater. That felt good having that.
I will post my angeling success when I get done fishing.
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I was warned, but a Blackmail was attempted.
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Posted:Jun 16, 2020 4:26 pm
Last Updated:Jun 28, 2020 8:35 pm
4092 Views
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First off, I have been truthful about being married. It was one of the first profile questions I answered here. My story is I'm looking for friends and naughty chats. After meeting a person claiming to be a woman here, as I was sent a flirt notice, then a message wanting to have a naughty chat. this occurred over a couple days, and then pictures were requested. mutually we sent harmless photo's and then a couple days went by with no contact.after another chance meeting we resumed our chat, and then specific photo's were requested, she wanted me standing in front of a mirror, with my junk on display. I resisted, but then took a couple, without my face in the photo. the next day i get a message to check my email, and this turned ugly. It was a chain of threats that i would be exposed as a cheater to my wife and her friends if payment wasn't made.
I was not threatened by this smart assed Jack Wagon trying to accomplish this Larceny! Nor am I afraid they will harm my reputation. Not knowing what else to do or how to report this persons account. They had deleted their account, and I blocked their contact number.
I hate people who think they can get away with such antics, and I wished I had been a little more guarded. But over all Fuck the Fuckers, they can lick my Bag and choke on my balls sweat!!
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My Wendy Tattoo / Author unknown
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Posted:Jun 8, 2020 2:54 pm
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2024 9:8 pm
3447 Views
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After a long courtship with Wendy, I decided it was time to show my future bride just how much I was dedicating myself to only her, and her alone.To do this I thought, What could I do to show my life love Wendy How serious I was about this? And my vow should be shown in ink. To show her I was hers forever I had her name tatooed on my penus. so when i was erect her name showed in bold big letters WENDY!! well all was good and when I was not erect, you could see the letters spelling WY. lol.
After our wedding and reception, we had plans to honeymoon on a nude Beach in the Caribbean Isles .On our second day of our honeymoon, we were soaking in the sun, and our coctails were running low. I ask Wendy what her wish was and jogged up to an outdoor TiKi bar to refresh our drinks. as I was standing there waiting for the bartender to aknowledge me I noticed a man standing next to the bar that also had the letters WY showing on his penus as well.
I had to ask the obvious Question "so do you have a special lady named Wendy? I noticed the letters shown like mine WY, and mine when erect says Wendy.
The man only grins at me and replies NOPE my tattoo reads when errect
WELCOME TO JAMAICA MAN HAVE A NICE DAY.
Some guys are just plain showoffs I say.
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If I knew then what I know now/ To be or Not to be
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Posted:Jun 6, 2020 11:01 pm
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2024 9:8 pm
3228 Views
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Everybody has said this in their life I think. I ponder the thought from time time. Many years after getting out of school, we run into the people we knew then, and I ask my self. what could have been? With Knowledge learned in life's lessons Would it have helped my cause? Would I have had the courage to ask the right questions at the right time? would we be lovers, or would I be left standing with a slapped face? IDK a womans mind will never be unlocked by man no mater our attempts of understanding their complex thoughts they possess..It just increases my admiration of women as a whole. be or not be? I think the Not be has won the debate I just had with myself.
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A Fishing Storey / as told to another fisherman while fishing
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Posted:Jun 3, 2020 8:24 pm
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2024 9:8 pm
3671 Views
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In the early 1960's, a road was being built in the southern Oregon Cascade mountains. It was built to tie from Dead Indian Memorial Highway, over to a small town named Keno on the Greensprings Highway just Southwest of Klamath Falls Oregon. This road when completed would cut fifty miles off of the trip for log trucks delivering logs to the large Warehouser mill and plywood plant.
Our family friend Tex B. an expert cat dozer operator was pioneering the new road through the forest. They followed along a mountain spring, and came upon a small pond that had formed from high water during the snow melt off. Tex noted that there were several large brown trout that had been trapped after the creek had receded. Tex had a brother-in-law named A.P. working with him on this day and Tex told AP that on their lunch break, they would for sure catch those trapped trout. AP was one crazy fisherman as well, and I once watched him eat a quart jar of mustard that was still left after the balogina was gone from the lunch we had brought. thats fishin trip hungry I would say. and further displayed AP's mental instability.
lunch time finally arrived and tex ask AP to retrieve their lunch and to grab a fly pole he had in his pickup.AP returned in short order, and after eating, Tex started casting a fly over the biggest trout in the pond. Well, this is where the trout started frusterating Tex. upon every cast, that fish would just come up and roll over the fly and never bit down on it. Finally Tex had enough of this trout making a fool out of him, so he said AP! I have a new Idea of how to catch this trout. I want you to go back to the pickup, get my 30-30 rifle bring it back and the next time that trout rolls over my hook, you shoot that thing!!
Well, AP put the rifel up to his shoulder ready to shoot. Tex started casting his fly, and here came the trout..WHOOM, AP hit his mark and blew the trout intwo. But this time was different the trout had bit the fly this time, and all Tex realed in was its head.
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Svenn and Helgie / a honeymoon storey
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Posted:May 27, 2020 1:34 pm
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2021 11:04 pm
3925 Views
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Svenn and Helgie a young Swedish couple decided to tie the knot one day. So they saved and planned for a big wedding and reception to follow. They had remained celabot their courtship, so that when they got on their honeymoon, sex would be more meaningful.
Helgie you see was a shy lass, and she did not care for lude language. infact she ask Svenn use a special word when he ask for sex. Helgie said, use the code word Washing machine. Svenn agreed and told Helgie I love you to the ends of the world and will do everything that is in my power I will do for you.
Their wedding went off without a hitch, and they were a happy couple. They continued the party at their reception and the Champaign was flowing at a high volume. Soon the party was over and Sven carried his new bride over
the threshold. They slipped into bed and Sven snuggling her, ask in his Swedish accent, Helgie Vashing machine? With her back to Svenn she reply's, Sven, i have partied much, and I must say I want our first time as married couple be sober and memorable, so lets wait until morning and it will be much better. Sven replied, Helgie if that is your wish, i will honor it the ends of the world. they snuggled and slipped off to sleep.
The next morning Svenn awakes and nudges Helgies shoulder to wake her. Helgie...Vashing machine? Helgie in severe headache pain from her hangover replied, Svenn I can not make Vashing machine this morning, I have too much headache, so please, lets wait until tonight. Svenn again agrees to honor her wishes and gets their morning breakfast and coffee.
That evening Helgie was feeling very much better and when they laid in bed. Sven rolled on his side and started off to sleep .Helgie was ready for sex and gave Svenn a gentle shake to wake him, and said Svenn Vashing machine?? Sven finally replied "Not tonight Helgie, tonight I had a small load and did it by hand!!"
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The Humor of a honeymoon/ I Had Toelea-owe
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Posted:May 27, 2020 10:08 am
Last Updated:May 27, 2020 4:24 pm
3577 Views
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After a long and celabot courtship, John and Mary found themselves alone in their honeymoon cottage. the excitement and sexual tension in the air could be cut with a drop of any bit of clothing. John sat on the edge of the bed and began to remove his shoes and socks. Mary, having never seen John undress at all, was watching him with a great interest! So when John reveals his bare feet, he exposed his horribly deformed toes. With a horrified gasp, Mary ask if John was having any pain with his deformity? John assured her no and that he had contracted Toelea-owe as a , and it left his toes deformed but not painful.
This was really intense. As john removed his trousers, he then revealed his knees. Mary for the first time saw them and they were also deformed with big bumps protruding from them. Her first thought was that John had a horrible crushing accident, but nope, John said as a young , He had the Kneezels, and that had left the horrible bumps on his knees.
When they both slipped under the sheets, John was still in his underwear, and Mary hesitated before touching Johns Johnson said a new prayer."please god tell me john never got Smallcox as a too!!".
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At my age who would have thought?
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Posted:May 25, 2020 12:05 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2020 2:41 am
4160 Views
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At my age who would have thought that I would still be having my most loved fantasy? It's about the woman I loved.
The most beautiful female creature any man has ever laid eyes upon has come to visit. I can not hardly take my next breath as I see her come to my door. I go to invite here into my humble abode. As she smiles and enters the room. I can't believe she stands before me wanting to show me her love. I softly kiss her sweet lips, and embrace her warmth as our lips touch.
After our greeting ended, I took her hand and we walked into my living room we sat together on my daybed lounger. She whispered she wants to give me all of her love, and now was the time to follow her lead. We talked about what our lives would be like together and what her dreams included. She will give everything I needed from her to make my dreams come true. Her long hair flowed down her shoulders and made a life long memory I cannot escape or soon forget. We kissed again this time we touched tongues our pheromones took over our passion and she let me undress her as she helped undress me. my hands softly began a search, as i laid her on her stomach and started a foot massage, she reacted with a welcoming body motion as I moved my attention to her lower legs ever so softly massaging her soft skin. we both knew it was feeling more and more intense as i slowly moved to her upper legs. I squeezed her cheeks and got to my favorite part of her body.
Now at this juncture you may be thinking I am headed to her vaginal opening, but not yet. I begin kissing her lower back exploring the amazing twin little dimples at the small of her lower back. God, they are so cute to me! She senses my excitement and starts moving her body in a way that is asking me to continue my massage up her back to her shoulders. I move my body next to her as I softly massage her. I brush away her soft hair to expose her beautiful neck, and I can not keep myself from giving her neck soft kisses.
I move my hand over her back and we move to cuddle in a spooning position. I search and find her soft breast and move my lips down her back and I find her moving her body to give my lips access to her clit area,.Holding her breast with my free hand i start licking. Her clit starts slowly swelling under my tongue. I take my lips and push them into her clit stopping to nibble on it. i stick my tongue into her vagina as deeply as i can. I move my tongue up and down her opening from ass to clit back and forth manipulating her perfect vulva i have her moved on her back now and take my hand from her firm breast to finger her while I am nibbling her clit.
I am searching for her secret g- spot as she is getting ever so wet inside her. licking sucking nibbling until she thrust her hips and tightens her whole body into her first climaxing orgazm. I take and wet my finger tip and in a small circling motion on her, she again grinds her hips into me.
She then moves her head and kisses me starting on my lips then neck. Slowly moving her lips over my chest, she finds my cock and takes it in her hand. I roll onto my back and she gives me a sucking entrance into her mouth. she pumps herself up and down on me until my erection is hard as it can ever get!!
She moves onto her knees and elbows, begging me to take her with my throbbing cock from behind. Getting behind her i slip into her and thrust deep into her very tight pussy. she reaches into another clinching orgazm very quickly this time, so I move her onto her side and again cuddle her. I reached over her lovely curving hip and as i kiss her breast. I taiste her nipple with my tongue. again she responds with body language that begs for more attention I entered my cock into her and easily pumped her and manipulated her swelled clitorus between my fingers.
We both needed more and she spread her legs as we lay on our sides. i took my cock and rubbed her clit back and forth, side to side teasing it with my tip then i slid my tip down her vulva and down i teased her pussy until her body language screamed get it into her. i still only slipped the tip in and out. back to rubbing it on her clit again and back to her wetness.we ground into each other so passionately, that the whole world disappeared from our minds.she begged for me to cum deep inside her as we ground into each other. we were steaming warm and she brought me to the point that nothing could hold my explosion back......Boom!! I was so spent. my cum had over flowed her and we laid there catching our breath. we kissed again and we drifted off sleep and into dreamland.
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My First Time. Awkward for a very young man.
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Posted:May 21, 2020 2:29 pm
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2024 9:8 pm
3817 Views
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One summer night as our parents had gone out for the weekend, a small get together developed in my neighborhood. It just happened, nothing was planned at all. So me and another couple of ended up at Tatia's house where she had opened her fathers well stocked bar. We all helped ourselves to a mixed drink of our choice, and things started to loosen up. Young teenage games started, one of which was truth or dare, then spin the bottle. I had just become interested in girls only a couple of years by then and I learned quick that I was aroused at the mere sight of a female form. I was cursed with having a stiffy at the most inopportune times, and I often was embarrassed, afraid the girls would notice. But not this night. I wanted my cock to be noticed as we kissed the girls when the bottle stopped at me. Tatia was a couple years older than me, and was one of my sisters good friends. She had bloomed early in life, and looked very desirable to me. wow my thoughts raced as I undressed her with my eyes.
After a few hours the party had slowed down, and as couples seemed to form up, couples disappeared into the bedrooms. I found myself sitting there alone with Tatia, and we started talking about sex, and the fact that I was a virgin. That fact seemed to excite her, and she invited me to her room. we started kissing and I began feeling her breast I felt myself swelling to a rock hard uncomfortable erection and I ask her what she wanted next from me. I was hoping we could go straight to getting my penis into her. she put the brakes on and ask me if I had a condom? I was lucky that i had one in my wallet. I think all 7th grade boys get a condom and don't know what to do with it, but it is a right of passage to display the outline of the condom in their wallet.
I showed Tatia that I had it, and tore it open. She had pulled my pants down, and she rolled it down my penus. she then showed me where her clit was and that she had become wet in her vagina, she positioned herself laying back on a pillow and spread her legs then pulled me close.I suddenly felt her warmth as she pumped and ground her pussy onto me.It didn't take long and I exploded into my condom in her. Wow! Later I would find that.it was actually premature ejackulation that I needed to learn to control somehow. Tatia was a good sport about it and I continued to play with her clit while fingering her. she guided me to show me what she liked and what she didn't, and soon she tensed up and shivered in pleasure. we laid there for a moment then we got our clothes back on and I went home. I went back to her as often as I could, but we soon grew apart and continued with our lives.
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The ballad of ol Nell the School Marm/author unknown
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Posted:May 21, 2020 1:25 am
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2024 9:8 pm
3355 Views
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Ol Nell the school marm, She could fuck any ten men down. Then one day from over the hill by bareass creek come Pistol Poppin Pete carrying 20 pounds of swingin meat. He streched her up on ol clancys bar, an spread her legs from here to thar.....AND STINK!!!!!!God Damn!!!.....Old Nell she started out with a house grind, left Petes ass about 4 strokes behind. She had stunts and stunts and double stunts with things unknown to most common cunts. Its said the ground was tore up for miles around where old Nells ass had pounded the ground, and she thought she had ol Pete's ass licked, but Pete...he kept haulen out much more dick..Then Old Nell let off with a diein cough,,,,,,,and there in the corner was the half bread,,, jackin off..
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