Sexy Asian Singles
Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
Sexy Asian Singles
| Blogs > kzoopair > Take two- they're small |
Gail
|
Gail Odd Then, Fantastic Now Is The Topic For The Sixth Virtual Symposium Gail, by PD My first voluntary sexual activity was with a girl. I was fifteen. At the time, I did not think of our love for each other as sexual. Neither did my friend, who had more experience with these activities than I did, and sort of initiated me into what she considered to be the wonderful world of female 'freebies'. The idea behind this (and at fifteen this made sense to me) was that sex is something men do to women. Sex requires a penis. Without a penis, no sex can happen, and since girls do not have penises, that means that anything girls do with each other is free. A bonus! This logic had some odd corollaries. One was that 'queers' were guys who had sex with other guys, but there could be no such thing as a 'queer' woman or girl, because, duh, women could not have sex with each other. Our family experience seemed to confirm this. While my parents worried incessantly that my brother might masturbate and turn himself 'queer', it never even occurred to them that I might masturbate, or that girls or women could be queer. If I ever heard the word 'lesbian' before adulthood, I do not recall it, but I definitely recall the jeers and persecution aimed at boys and men who did not conform to the 50's and 60's ideal of masculinity. The girl I fell in love with was my Aunt's neighbor. She lived 1,000 miles away from me in Denver, Colorado, and my Aunt thought we would enjoy corresponding. We did enjoy it, and when she came to visit and I saw how beautiful she was, I fell head over heels. She was blonde and curvy, with fair skin and light freckles. Every boy who saw her slobbered all over himself, but she was unimpressed. She did not care for boys. When she was molested by a friend of the family, her father, a policeman, had had the predictable meltdown and kept her safe from any further abuse until he was ready to marry her off. We used to talk about how gross it would be when we 'had to get married to men' and leave this all behind. I did not think of molestation as such a big deal, not like she did and her father did. As a I had to run fast down our alley if I had to go that way, to avoid being nabbed by older neighbor boys who would make us blow them if they physically caught us. This was a disgusting thing, but nothing we would have ever told our parents, assuming we would be the ones who would catch hell, not the boys. Plus, they were scary 'hood' type boys, and we did not want to piss them off. Once when my brother was seven or eight, these same boys tied him up, pulled down his pants, and left him in the middle of the street. A neighbor called and my mother had to go fetch him home. Afterward she told me that under no circumstances was I to ever speak or this and that if I did I would regret it. Similarly, when it became clear that a girl I babysat was being diddled by her father , my mother said, "We don't talk about that kind of thing in this house." And that was that. Except, we did. Or, rather, my mother and her sisters did. Which was weird. And confusing. My mother had a funny uncle that they all talked about openly and laughed at. No one thought of it as damaging or horrific, just stupid. I remember one Christmas being told by two older female cousins they knew an easy way to get a silver dollar. I went along with this adventure, which basically came down to them sneaking off to the coat room to make out while Uncle Mel watched. I got the silver dollar for nothing though--I just sat there with Uncle Mel watching them. That did strike me as kind of stupid. I can't remember a time when, as a , I wasn't terrified of boys and I can't remember wanting to be around them either. Even by the time I reached my twenties, boys seemed a bad bet--They were always liable to do something awful or violent that I would end up catching hell for, not them. So I fell hard for my friend, and when she went back home, we both hugged and cried our eyes out, making plans for me to visit out Denver. No one thought twice about it. Eventually I did visit her, and while I was there I met her best girlfriend, who was clearly into the freebies as much as my friend was. This realization, that she was doing these things with someone else stung me to the core, like some big horrific wasp had slammed its stinger right into my heart. Her friend eyed me in a way that said my instant death was not nearly enough to settle the situation, and my pen pal, with big doe eyes finally said, "Stop! I want you two to like each other. I love you both so much." Well. That wasn't going to happen. A first broken heart is as powerful as a first love, maybe more powerful. I didn't think about her after that for a long time. High school was horrible, and the years right after high school were more horrible, so horrible that having to blow teenage boys as a seemed like Disneyland by comparison. But later in life, after I had had and several failed marriages I began to think of that time with my pen pal and wonder, "Am I gay?" And here's what I think: I'm not gay, I'm not anything. The reason I believe I am not gay is that I think to be gay you have to have had a time for your sexuality to develop normally, uninterrupted by trauma or craziness or undue damage. I did not get to experience normal sexual development (whatever that is) and so, instead of being straight, or gay, or bisexual, I'm just Pam. I wonder how many women are like me, but don't talk about it for obvious reasons. But really, sexual identity is just one facet of a whole human being, and I think most people make too damned much of it. I am so much more than sex. (Charles Blow of the NYT recently published a memoir about how his sexuality was affected by trauma, and he seems sort of in a similar place from my reading, though he might not describe it the same way.) It makes me happy now, at 62, to know that there was a time when I was very young that even in the midst of horrendous confusion and (what today we would call) abuse, I recognized that women were marvelous and beautiful. Because after I'd grown up and processed all the shame and trauma and fear and self-loathing from my odd and terrible youth, I remembered that I happen to be a woman myself. And I am, no shit, fucking fantastic. Become a member now and get a free tote bag. |
|||
|
Truly  a great post!Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
I'll drink to that! I have never known another human being who I liked as much as I love this woman. She really does "get it". Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
She didn't. She had offers- believe me, I asked. I have suggested that she might try...but she already knows that. I wouldn't deny her anything, and she knows that too. What I'd really like is for her to have a re-do on that childhood. That was one rough fucking neighborhood. But then, she wouldn't be the same, would she? Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Wow! When I hear about others childhood I'm shocked, we literally farted rainbows by comparison. It seems you really made some real good lemonaide out of those hurdles. I never really pictured 1st love between 2 females, but I can see it now. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
.... And I thought my childhood and adolescence were weird... It takes great strength of character to overcome emotional trauma of this magnitude. (I have a feeling, there's more..) I don't believe in labels - we are who we are. Sexuality alone doesn't define us. There so many facets to every single personality, every single character. Labels mean limits, and individualities are unlimited. Visit my blog It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World of NaughtyInSO, leave a comment, become a watcher. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LIVE AND LET LIVE Be happy! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
| ||
|
Excellent post AZ Ty for sharing with us hugs V Become a blog watcher sweet_vm
| ||
|
.... And I thought my childhood and adolescence were weird... It takes great strength of character to overcome emotional trauma of this magnitude. (I have a feeling, there's more..) I don't believe in labels - we are who we are. Sexuality alone doesn't define us. There so many facets to every single personality, every single character. Labels mean limits, and individualities are unlimited. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Excellent post AZ Ty for sharing with us hugs V Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
The amazing thing is: Forced blowjobs in the alley were the easy part of it. She tosses that off as a freebie. Anyone can handle that. Women and girls were non-entities where she grew up. They were traded as commodities. A woman who got past that wasn't just strong and smart- she was lucky. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Wow. This is a beautifully written, lovely in parts, and chilling in parts, contribution. For you, PD, to come througth this functional -- never mind the dynamic, wonderful individual Mr. Kzoopair paints you as -- is stunning. Definitely fantastic now. "Odd" then? The societal outlook on sexuality, perhaps. But the experiences you went through weren't "odd"... they were potentially devastating. Really, really, glad you weren't. Thank you. Brave post... even if it did just scratch the surface of what happened. Stop in, read, and offer comments at my "swinging as seen in the media" blog, "Confessions of a Lifestyle Man" humorlife, which is also the home of the monthly virtual symposium. New post: The Virtual Symposium Returns Lets Pick A Topic
| ||
|
Wow. This is a beautifully written, lovely in parts, and chilling in parts, contribution. For you, PD, to come througth this functional -- never mind the dynamic, wonderful individual Mr. Kzoopair paints you as -- is stunning. Definitely fantastic now. "Odd" then? The societal outlook on sexuality, perhaps. But the experiences you went through weren't "odd"... they were potentially devastating. Really, really, glad you weren't. Thank you. Brave post... even if it did just scratch the surface of what happened. And did devastate hundreds...thousands, of lives over years...thousands of years. How many women...girls...were emotionally and physically mangled by by the misfortune of being women? That damage is not repairable. It never ever goes away. You don't take a pill for it. It's there forever. We have the capacity to think about what we do before we do it. It isn't good enough to declare that survival of the fittest is a law of nature. We can do better or else we aren't fit to call ourselves homo sapiens. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
She is fantastic and her husband most likely doesn't deserve her...but he's holding on to her anyway. She's the high water mark of my life. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Touched is one thing my dear intenda. Fucked is another entirely different thing. I was touched, and had affection. My wife was used, and still doesn't hate anyone for it. I have enough anger about it for the two of us. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Thanks again! Normal covers a pretty broad spectrum, and there's a lot of pretense. We need to do more talking. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Thank you very much. I hope you will be back! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
PD, what a brilliant and interesting post - very thought-provoking. You two must have some amazing conversations. I hear it's your birthday today. I hope you have a wonderful birthday.    [image]
| ||
|
Wow...very moving. Thank you for sharing Live life to it's fullest! If you're bored, Read Hugs Gypsy
| ||
|
WOW! i think the word is Situational Sexual... at least that was the term i was given when people needed to term me... thank you for sharing. Lets Create together. http://AsianMatchMate.com.com/blog/jadesmith69 we can fantasize forever. J
| ||
|
PD, what a brilliant and interesting post - very thought-provoking. You two must have some amazing conversations. I hear it's your birthday today. I hope you have a wonderful birthday. [image] Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Wow...very moving. Thank you for sharing Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
If you invest all of yourself in this one thing, if you buy what our culture too often sells as "woman" you might find someday that you are no longer seen as sexy....and no longer seen. Invisibility might have been an advantage for PD growing up but unfortunately she was all too visible to all the wrong people. She fought too hard for her own identity to be seen as one dimensional. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Thank you Goodyear. It's a bit of a miracle that we sort it out at all...some of us never really do. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
WOW! i think the word is Situational Sexual... at least that was the term i was given when people needed to term me... thank you for sharing. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
I think so too, and it's a hell of a good sign. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
For PD, girls could be safe. Men and boys were dangerous, like lying down with rattlesnakes. But she never had that attraction again, in quite the same way. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
I do tell her that I wouldn't change a thing about her, but if you know her and know her story that's also a cruel thing to say, from the perspective of looking back at her past. I'd like to be able to spare her all that pain but of course I can't do that. It was like a crucible and she came out as fine mettle, and tempered strong and tough and beautiful. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
I agree, people make too big of a deal out of sexuality. To me it's not black and white, it's a continuum with lots of grey areas. And I'm so glad that you've emerged on the other side of some weird childhood experiences with a healthy outlook! Great post.   
| ||
|
I agree, people make too big of a deal out of sexuality. To me it's not black and white, it's a continuum with lots of grey areas. And I'm so glad that you've emerged on the other side of some weird childhood experiences with a healthy outlook! Great post. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Thanks Pearl. Fear-terror- that's learnt that young can become a permanent fixture in the mind, especially when the reasons for that fear continue for years. Wearing a sexual label of any kind was not and is not anything that can benefit her. As she said, she is so much more than sex. (And the birthday has been a happy one- thank you!) Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Pam, For years, I would call myself just sexual, not bi, not hetero, not homo, just sexual. And you ARE fucking fantastic! Kk The observant make the best lovers, I may not do right, but I do write, I have bliss, joy, and happiness in my life, Kitkat Come check out my blog KItkat1415 check out this post by me Adventures In Body Grooming #39 April Topic Link: What Lies Beneath If April Showers Oh Bloody Hell What Kind Of Weather Turns Me On Bloggers Symposium 40
| ||
|
Pam, For years, I would call myself just sexual, not bi, not hetero, not homo, just sexual. And you ARE fucking fantastic! Kk Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Interesting post, great! "To Be Consumed" Blog : I want to be your drug of painful withdrawals.
| ||
|
Interesting post, great! Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Sometimes the toughest thing we can do in our lives is survive childhood.
| ||
|
It is a rare thing for a woman to have found a partner that can listen, accept, and not judge all the sh*t life has dumped on you in the past. You are a very lucky woman to have that person with you now.
| ||
|
Sometimes the toughest thing we can do in our lives is survive childhood. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Thank you. The very idea of limiting who we love should be so strange to us that we can't contemplate it, but too many of us get bullied into doing just that. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
It is a rare thing for a woman to have found a partner that can listen, accept, and not judge all the sh*t life has dumped on you in the past. You are a very lucky woman to have that person with you now. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Thank you for sharing something so personal. Find pleasure in giving pleasure
| ||
|
Thank you for sharing something so personal. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
PD, amazing writing style. Thank you for sharing.
| ||
|
PD, amazing writing style. Thank you for sharing. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
That was a great read, hope all goes well Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
4/5/2015 3:26 pm |
We're not cans of soup; we don't need labels. All we can do is to keep on trying to be as positive as we can possibly be
| ||
|
We're not cans of soup; we don't need labels. All we can do is to keep on trying to be as positive as we can possibly be Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
Thank you. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
| ||
|
That was beautiful . . . the first blog I've read here on AsianMatchMate.com and really impressively written. Thanks.
| ||
|
That was beautiful . . . the first blog I've read here on AsianMatchMate.com and really impressively written. Thanks. Become a member now and get a free tote bag.
|
Become a member to create a blog
