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In a mirror , vaginally
In a mirror , vaginally I'm accurately known as a curmudgeon that doesn't like anything BUT there is one thing I love . When you wake up early Saturday morning and you don't realize it's Saturday and look at the clock on the nightstand and you think "aw man , I have to get up for work in an hour , hey why isn't the alarm set ?" and then you realize . It's Saturday ! You don't have to get up for work AT ALL . That is one of the best feelings in the world . Lately I've been tormented with visions of a horrible alternate universe where women are sexually aggressive horny beasts and men are timid victims being constantly barraged with sleazy come-ons and unwanted pussy pics . In such a world where AsianMatchMate.com - Hookup, Find Sex or Meet Someone Hot Now - would be mostly women and just a handful of dudes , what kind of messages would these women be tossing around that would cause the men to post "god , the women here are so disrespectful and unoriginal" every 11-42 minutes ? The model of this world seems to be that dudes brag about two things mostly - how great their dicks are and how they will go down on you for long periods of time . So I can only imagine that the women of this insane alternate universe would be of the same mind and most of their messages would be about how great their pussies are and how they can suck cock like a champ . I assume when you consider things to brag about vaginas probably the first thing that comes to people's mind is tightness but not me - I go straight to juiciness . I imagine the messages of this alternate universe horndog women would be something like ; "You are handsome as fuck . I got Niagara falls between my legs , wanna meet ?" "I've drowned men with my pussy before , you think you can handle it ?" "I'll squirt you into the next state and you'll like it you little bitchboy ." Now if you're going to go the tightness route what you should consider is the particular brand of guy bragging in this universe which is the "my dick so big it won't even fit inside you" . I guess the idea there is that as a woman you're supposed to be like "Oh yeah , my snatch can take anything ! Challenge accepted !" . So in this terrible , terrible alternate dimension with sexually aggressive women everywhere you might hear things like ; "My pussy's so tight I have to use a crowbar to piss - you think YOU can get in there ?" "If you fucked me my lips would slam shut on your cock like a god damn bear trap ." "You ever put your cock in a vise ? You better before you try me ." And surely in this wicked debased world of women who want to bang all the time there would be ancillary brags about other aspects of the vagina - depth , width , circumference and so forth . Maybe hairiness also . I assume in this world shaved vaginas will be OUT and women will groom a massive thatch of pussy hair . "You're gonna need to leave a train of breadcrumbs like Hansel and Gretel to get out of what I have in my panties bro ." What else am I missing ? Imagine a world where women are crude barely civilized animals that neither know nor care how uncomfortable they make men with their crass comments what else would they brag about vis-à-vis their babymakers ? Actually that's probably one right there , men sometimes brag about their virility , I suppose these awful , awful women might boast about all the they can crank out of their bodies and/or their ability to get pregnant "I just need to SEE a dick and I get knocked up , that's how potent my womb is ." Coming up with an analog for the ubiquitous "I'll go down on you for hours" is a little trickier because a woman saying "I'll suck you for hours" is not really something a dude wants . Or wait , women don't want to have a dude go down on them for hours either so maybe it's exactly what it would be . But I bet it would be the opposite things in the vein of "I'll suck you off so fast it'll make your pretty little head spin" . "You cum so fast you won't even know what happened ." "I'll mouth-milk you in three seconds flat ." There may also be some stuff in there about how bounteous the amounts of spizz they can get out of you . I assume in this disgusting world women always spit and they spit the spunk back on the dick so you have to crabwalk into the bathroom to clean up . And of course their would be the facial spit option but that would mostly be in porn . Oh man , that makes me wonder - what would porn be like in this world ? The mind reels . Speaking of , they've been doing this thing for a while where they dub porn into Spanish - that has to be the easiest job in the world . I'm pretty sure you don't need to speak Spanish to do it . If you can moan and say "Ai Papi" and "Oh dios" you're pretty much set . What I'm not sure of is in this horribly nightmare world of sexually aggressive women how much strap-on bravado there would be . I could kind of see that going either way . "Hey boy , I got my 12 incher all oiled up , text me and get ready to scream ." The one thing that would be exactly the same though would be the reaction to rejections . "You're a good looking man , you wanna fuck ?" "No thanks ." "You're a fat piece of hog flesh anyway . No woman would ever want to be beneath your disgusting man-tits with your pathetic shriveled little babydick flopping around between their thighs why you cried to your mommy anyway . You gross piece of shit I hope you get AIDS ." Putting first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first. |
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I was way off , I though the original ST episode with the mirror universe was called "Through A Mirror , Darkly" but it's called "Mirror , Mirror" and the actual title was "In A Mirror , Darkly" for the Enterprise episode . People get all hot for the ST mirror universe shit . I assume mostly because in that universe people bang . Putting clients first by putting employees first, immediately after prioritizing fiscal responsibilities and leveraging profitability towards exceeding by empowering our employees to put clients (and themselves) first, in a diverse and respectful environment of only those that come first, first.
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You forgot the cougar/cub and gold digger/old man segment but otherwise you satirically covered it all! Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation bangs on the door forever!
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And over on the bdsm side of things, every lady would claim to be a domly domme. At the munches all of the middle aged dommes would descend upon the adorable young male newbies trying to convince them they need someone experienced to teach them. Guys who claimed to not be submissive would be told, "you just haven't met the right mistress yet. " Women would message men on fetlife without reading their profile and ask if they're interested relocating a thousand miles to become their 24-7 slave.
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Excellent post! I have nothing to add. Crosswords increase your vocabulary. Cross words increase your blood pressure.
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i was laughing so hard i think i now have a hernia. You cannot conceive the many without the one.
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